MODIFIED

Beauty In Modification

My Current Modifications

Tattoos (in chronological order):

-fuchsia star on my front hip
-cat face (modeled after my kitty Hera) on my lower back
-AIDS ribbon on my right wrist
-hedgehog with dandelion on left wrist/forearm
-hedgehogs with balloons on right forearm
-half sleeve on my right arm based on Eternal Embrace by Scott Saw

Piercings:

-two stretched holes in each lobe at 1/2” and 12g
-both conches currently at 12g
-14g septum
-12g nipples (retired)
-16g vertical labret (retired)

And of course, I am dreadlocked, which I’m not sure if everyone would consider that a modification because dreadlocks are natural.

Future Modifications

Tattoos:

-full sleeve for my right arm
-plant/tree themed rib piece for my left side

Piercings

-possibly stretch conches to 6g

Why I Am Modified

I’m sure that’s the biggest question that most unmodified people wonder and really it’s a great question. Simply put, I am modified because it is me. I am modified because it enables me to create my own standard of beauty and to have my outsides reflect my insides. I feel free, true, and empowered because I am modified. I am a firm believer in “your body, your decisions” and I have discovered that I am more beautiful and confident than I ever imagined I was, all because I am free enough to make these choices.

I feel like being tattooed/stretched/pierced/dreadlocked makes me a more real, alive, and honest person. It’s not something I do to be “different” or to illicit reactions from other people (although I do understand that that’s what happens from being different) despite what society might believe. I do it because I find it beautiful and I want to be true to myself. None of my modifications are for anyone but Roxie. I don’t expect anyone else to like them aside myself, but it’s always nice when people do. :)

Also, it’s so much more than just for beauty/aesthetics. It’s a spiritual journey as well. Seeing yourself grow, learning to let go of conventional inhibitions and hang ups, and defining your own standards.

Dreadlocking has been definitely my most emotional, personal, and rewarding experience when it comes to modification. Maybe even one of the most in my life. In my dreadlock journey I have learned to let go of being vain, to accept change (or lack there of), and to let go of control. Dreadlocks are going to do whatever they want, no matter how much you don’t like it. ;) I have learned about acceptance and love through dreadlocking.

Dreadlocking is a process. You don’t just wake up one morning with perfect locks. It takes months, even years to create them. That’s part of the appeal of dreads to me - that I will have constant change, evolution, and growth from this experience. Perhaps that’s the scientific side of me, I wan to witness the journey and I want to make it on my own. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but that’s part of the fun.

My decision to dreadlock was one that was filled with joy, tears, exasperation, self doubt, and sometimes even pain. It took me a long time to get past the fact that most people aren’t ever going to be in cahoots with me on this decision and that there will always be those who think I’m a “dirty hippie” because of it. There will always be haters and I’m okay with that now.

When I made the choice to dreadlock I wrote this about my feeling. Here is an excerpt from July 2006.

I have made a decision.

This decision was made after weeks of thinking, hours of research on the internet, looking at tons of photos, and talking to others who made the same decision. This decision was made after contemplating my life, my beliefs, my situation, and my spirit.

This decision was made for ME. Me, and only me.

I've always tried so hard to please everyone else. To work to be something they all wanted me to be. That's what lead to my suicidal depression and my inability to accept that my illnesses make life different for me. Gradually I have begun to take my life into my own hands. I have grown, I have matured, I have taken root, and I have blossomed. This is just another step in that direction.

I know there are going to be many, many people who think my decision is "stupid", or whatever negative adjective they see fit to pin it with, but that no longer matters to me. I'm sure I will be asked a million and one times, "What the hell were you thinking?", but it is no matter to me. Perhaps I will print this out and hand it to them, or simply write down a URL and if my decision means that much to them they'll look it up themselves.

I have decided I am going to get dreadlocks.

I am excited and happy. If you aren't as well, that's your own deal. I'm done worrying about anyone else. I haven't felt this good about anything in a long time.

I wrote this back in October of 2008 about my dread journey and it still applies.

Sometimes, when I look at older photos of myself I get nostalgic for my old hair. I sometimes miss the feeling of a brush on my scalp and the silkiness of brushable hair. More often I miss the feeling of JD running his fingers through my hair, but really, when I touch my head or feel a dread brush my neck I remember why I dreaded and I'm content.

I know it seems superficial, since it's really just a hairstyle, but my dreadlocks mean so much more. I have never felt so comfortable in my skin as I do with locks. I started them because I thought they were beautiful and the journey that comes along with them interested me, but I never knew that I would learn so much - that I would see the world's beauty as I do now.

I am much more in touch with nature and the Earth (or Gaia if you will) as well as my own femininity. I see the beauty in myself like I was never able to before. I love my body, my hair, my heart, and my soul (most days, heh BIPOLAR!) - I believe I am better than good enough and that it doesn't matter if I fit the standard of anyone other than myself. I am right the way I am, without any other person's validation.

I have also learned greater patience through dreadlocking. When I had brushable hair I constantly fought with it trying to get it to look "perfect", fighting against it's natural state. I even threw hairbrushes across the room trying to get it to conform to something it never wanted to be. ^_^

I am proud to be dreadlocked and wouldn't change it for all the world. It's been 19 months since a comb touched my hair and I know for most folks they don't understand how all that I've come to appreciate could come from "dirty dreadlocks", (My hair is NOT dirty by the way, it's actually cleaner than yours, believe it or not.) but that's okay, because I understand and that's all that matters.

In short, I love my fucking nappy hair and I love it more and more every single day, and in turn, loving my locks has made me love myself, the world, and even you more. I hope that one day, all of you are able to do the same thing, with or without knots.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

So in conclusion, I know most people are not keen on tattoos, piercings, and even dreadlocks, but that’s okay. Everyone has a different standard of beauty. If I can accept yours I hope you can accept mine. No one has to live my life but me, so my choices are mine to make. In making these choices I have grown into a more loving, caring, accepting human being, so the next time you see a modified person don’t look down on them because they probably have too.

Remember, love is.

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